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.Now how’s them apples?I’ll write you a check myself when we get home, Judy said.—And, Ralph, you know I’ll keep my word.You people just don’t get the picture, Ralph said.—I can’t use the plastic, even if I wanted to.They’ll run a check on it, I know they will.Then they’ll call the plastic police.At the very least, and I kid you not, they’ll bring that card back on a litde tray all cut to pieces.Oh, don’t be so goddamn paranoid, Ralph, Alice Ann said.—They don’t have any reason to check that card.They have all the reason in the world.You have been here before.You and Zorba.Zorba the goat.God only knows how much paper you’ve hung in this pathetic place.Ralph, Alice Ann said, why did you smoke that dope before we got here? You should never smoke dope and drink, too.You always get so goddamn paranoid.They’ll cut up the card, Ralph said.—It’s true.I know it will happen to us again.I can just feel it in my bones.This is all just downright silly, Judy said.—This is your-all’s wedding anniversary, don’t forget.Tell me about it, Alice Ann said.—Let me count the moments.Well, buddy, what do you suggest? Jim asked Ralph.—Who’s going to wash the dishes?Why don’t we simply walk away? Ralph said.—You know, vanish into thin air.Like Alice Ann said we should have done that night with John Cheever.It’s not like we haven’t walked our share of checks, Alice Ann.Happy anniversary, troops, Alice Ann said, and raised her empty champagne glass.—Well, Ralph, I’ll have to admit that walking an anniversary dinner check seems somehow so appropriate for us.I won’t do any such thing, Judy said in a huff.Jim picked up the bill from the little tray and gave it a gander.So, okay, Ralph, Jim said, what’s your plan?Jim! Judy squeaked, don’t you even think about any such thing.We’re all in this boat together, Ralph said.—Just remember that.Don’t worry, Jim told his first wife, I won’t tell Melvin on you.Who? Ralph said.Jim, please, Judy said.He’s a friend of Zorba’s, Jim told Ralph.It will be a failure of imagination not to walk this check, Ralph said.—To coin a phrase.Hey, it’ll be simple.I’ll order some more champagne, see.Mumm’s, this time.Two bottles of Mumm’s.As though we’ve decided to celebrate some more, after all.As though we’ve decided the evening is young.As though we’ve decided life is too short not to celebrate until the cows come home.Then after a few toasts you two just get up and depart.As though you’re simply leaving before we, the anniversary couple, are.As though you told the babysitter you’d be home a little before the cows.Then mosey on out and get the car warmed up and simply wait for us to effect our own clean getaway.See, you two are not really even involved in this business at all.Just wait for us outside, ready to roll with a moment’s notice.Just be ready to peel out.To leave rubber, if it comes to that.Then Alice Ann can act as though she’s going to return to the, er, little girls’ room for another marathon poop, and she can simply slip out the bar-side’s door instead.Then I’ll slip out.I’ll be the last one to go.I’ve already thought of a foolproof plan.It’ll all be a piece of cake.Alice Ann and I have done this dozens of times.Did you kids know I was once in an Off Broadway play? Alice Ann said.—I was.How many times have I told you that? But I was.I could have had a different life.A cakewalk, Ralph said.—No fooling.I’ve never done anything like this in my entire life, Judy said.Fallen Homecoming Queens are capable of anything, Jim said.Don’t you see, Ralph said, the beauty of my plan is that none of you guys really runs any risk at all.I’ll be the last one to leave.I’ll run all the personal risk.Risk, Ralph? Alice Ann said.—What do you know about personal risk? I once thought I was knocked up by a famous black actor.I banged on his door.I told him to his face.But he denied any responsibility.He told me to go back to my husband.So here I sit.End of story.A cakewalk, Ralph said.So here I sit celebrating my seventeenth wedding anniversary, Alice Ann said.—Hey, I have a bright idea, troops.Let’s go parking tonight.While Ralph and I still have the convertible, anyway.Before the court takes it away.We’ll find a place up in the hills so we can look out over the lights.We’ll keep the top down.We can let the boys feel us up, hon.We’ll all dry-hump and finger-fuck like in the old days.We’ll get seriously nude.We’ll lie there in that hot dark with absolutely nothing but the radio on.So we won’t really be involved? Judy asked Ralph.Right, Ralph said.—Heck, even if they stop me, so what? What’s the worst that can happen? I’ll act as though there was a little misunderstanding about who was supposed to pick up the tab.Then, as a last resort, I’ll try to push my plastic.Then, by golly, I’ll wash some dishes, if it comes to that, sweep some floors, blow the cooks.But you guys will be long gone.Ralph, sweetie-pie, Alice Ann said, if you’re going to stiff a bill, stiff a serious bill.Do it with a litde real flair, dearest.Why don’t we set up the whole house? Tell the waitress the anniversary saps want to order the house’s best champagne for everybody in the place.Including the cooks.So then everybody can get in on the celebration of our seventeenth wedding anniversary.Then we’ll stiff that bill.Now, that would be a bill worth stiffing.You could even write one of your sad, ordinary, little stories about stiffing a bill like that.Use your imagination for once, Ralph.You always want to go too far, Alice Ann, Ralph said.—You have never understood limits.There have to be some limits in life.Oh come on, Ralph, Alice Ann said.—Please show a little imagination for once, please.You know, Ralph, that’s always been your problem, Ralph.You must know that by now.You just don’t have enough imagination for the big time, Ralph.I have just as much imagination as the next fellow, Ralph said.—You just want to make a big scene, that’s all
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