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.Better not to.Better to send in a force that could hold their formation withoutcrowding each other.And with the new emperor reluctant to shed more Roman bloodin the outer colonies, it seemed likely it would be the foreign auxiliaries who wouldhead the battle.Stock standard, a battle plan they d used a thousand times in the past,and yet the nations refused to learn the lessons of history.Infantry would hold thecentre, cavalry on the wings.In three days at the most, he would ride in against the people of thesemountains and kill as many of them as tried to kill him. CALEDONIA 95In three days his lies would be perfected.He raised his arms, crossing them over his eyes and tried to keep the shakefrom his hands.There were things he needed to do before then, but he couldn t standto look at them.Edan would have solved the dilemma swiftly.The problem would never,should never, have arisen.And he should act on that solution now.Better late thannever.What was one more life, or two or three, taken?Outside the crannog he had held his thumbs against her life and, unknowingly,stepped back from duty.And once on that road, he d found justifications for hischoice again and again.He had placed Brinnie above his commission withoutknowing or understanding why.And there she remained.He could no more think of killing her now, than taking his own life.He could never take her light from the world.He needed to hold it close andlet its warmth burn away the cold emptiness inside.The thought of taking her further along this road, back to the men she feared,the other men she d trusted, caught at his gut and pulled him into a ball around a washof nausea.He could see her mouth and her bright skin, under the lips and roughhands of another man and the pain pushed the breath out of him.Damn it.Damn it all.He forced himself straight and pulled the bed linen over his hips.He could leave.Now.Just go and not look back.She didn t want to go to the front in the first place.If he left now, she couldstay right here, hidden in this safe little hamlet, isolated and away from the dangers ofthe past and the future.He d eaten only enough bread to soak up some of the slosh of the mead, butthere was not enough alcohol in the jugs to fill his head with sleep.And not enoughto numb away the sense of desolation left by the thought.If he left and took the horses, she d have no way to travel.She d have to stay.And he d never see her again.She d be alive, but no more than a ghost to him.He d go back to the coldtight restraint of isolation.Waiting, refusing to touch or be touched, untilcircumstances better suited the choice.Burning up need in the arms of girls like Ula.And always knowing that perfection existed, but somewhere too far away to everapproach.That life had lost any of the allure it might once have held.The logic was toocold and useless.And her eyes haunted his heart.Damn it.Restlessness and self-reproach pushed him to his feet and he dragged themeager sheet of linen with him, tying it loosely at his hips, and went to stoke the fire.His clothes were drying, and he turned them roughly.The jugs on the table were empty, but he checked them both again anyway,and paced a circle from the table to the fire and back.If he was going to go, he shouldgo now.Of his choices, it was the least appalling. CALEDONIA 96Travelling alone, he would be at the main camp in a day.He only needednumbers, that was no more than a head count and an ear to the ground, and he d beback behind Roman lines in time to turn around and ride back into the fray.But he d have to go now.He checked a jug again, and the knock behind him nearly dropped it from hishand.Brin stood framed in the doorway, a plate in one hand and a jug in the other.She still wore his white tunic, but she d found a long dark woolen skirt in thedebris of the hut, its bulk serving to emphasize her tiny waist.So slim he could sliphis hands around her.Hold her, pull her close.Her hair had dried and the curls had mutinied, most fighting their way free ofthe braids and falling in graceful curves down her brow and cheeks.She was pale, her eyes dark and wide, her breath catching over trembling lipsas she tried to smile.By the gods, he should send her away; yell out some of thefrustration that burned in him and sting her enough to make her step back.She held her hands forward and he stepped towards her, taking the jug, andthen back to lead her into the room. CALEDONIA 97CHAPTER TWELVE.Brinnie let him take the jug and made herself step over the threshold.Herbreath was fast and shallow, keeping her head light and agitation seething in herstomach.Great Goddess, she d steeled herself to come here with her questions, butshe d imagined him dressed.The sight of him in firelight, with nothing but linenknotted loosely at his hips took the courage from her breast and the strength from herknees.Blue circles shone from his pale skin and drew her eyes from his broadshoulders and down, over the flat bulk of his chest, to the lean hard landscape of hisbelly.A soft trail of dark hair fell from his navel and disappeared, and she raised herview quickly to his face.His eyes were fixed on hers with a dark vehemence and there was pain in theway his stomach muscles clenched hard over every breath. I m sorry, she whispered. I thought you might want something. His eyes brightened, and a smile glinted in their dark depths.It touched hislips for a moment before he answered, Don t apologize.I always want something. Food, she said, a little more confidently, wishing she could match hishumor. Close enough. But the smile had died and the fire rekindled in the time ittook to set the jug on the table and reach for the plate of cold meat and cheese. Youshould be sleeping, he said quietly. There s another long ride tomorrow. I can t sleep.I have too many questions. There was no point in confusingthe issues further.And no point taking another step along this road if she was rushingafter a delusion.He started to chuckle, and it grew into a laugh as he turned away from her, hishands rising up to wipe his hair back.Soft curls darkened his armpits and her gazeslid down over the tight pattern of v s that skimmed his ribs.Wide muscle strainedat the simple movement, and Brinnie found herself mesmerized by his naked skin
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