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.I wanted to talk to you while Iwas here.It’s the reason I came in today.If that’s all right with you of course.”Sage nodded, Alex’s words about hisreason for coming in the last ones he’dheard.“We can stay in here and talk Isuppose.At least it’s private.”He perched on the end of the deskand waited.“What do you want to talk tome about?” Sage was determined to bepolite and formal, not get his hopes upuntil he knew more about what hewanted.Alexlookedextremelyuncomfortable.“I needed to see you toexplain something.I’m going away on abook tour to the US tomorrow for theChristmas December Book Fest and I’mnot sure how long I’ll be there.It mightbe a little while.”Sage’s stomach dropped at theimplications of the words.He wonderedhow long ‘long’ was.It sounded like hemight not be coming back.That must bewhat Alex wanted to tell him.His heartsank.Alex swallowed.“The last time wemet, when I gave you that piece of paper—I wasn’t quite myself.I wanted toexplain why I did that.I think I owe youan explanation after all.”Sage thought he had a right to be alittle bloody-minded.“You don’t need toexplain anything.That’s what we agreed,wasn’t it?” Sage was uncompromising.“It was the whole idea of the safe word.No explanations.Just walk away.Yourrules.”He’d been waiting for an explanationfor weeks but now he had the chance, hefelt difficult enough to challenge the fact.Bitterness welled in him again, unbiddenbut always just beneath the surface.Bitterness was something he wasn’t usedto, it was something Alex had created inhim.Alex nodded.“Yes, that’s right.Butcan I please finish?”Sage heard the steel in his voice.Hegestured to Alex to continue.Alex moved over to the window,looking out.His back was rigid.“I’vebeen seeing Melanie a lot since thatnight.She’s really been pushing me toconfront my feelings.Whether it makessense to you or not I wanted to tell youabout the outcome.You deserve thatmuch at least even if you never want totalk to me or see me again.I honestlywouldn’t blame you.”Sage watched him carefully, notsaying anything, not trusting himself to ashope flared in his beaten breast.Alex turned to face him, his eyesbleak.“The night I went to see Eric atStudy in Scarlet, I was ready to give itall up.I thought that would be the lastsession.”Sage’s heart sank.His impatienceand bloody-mindedness had been thecatalyst for their breakup in his mind.Sage had never felt so wretched.He satback in the office chair behind the desk,putting his feet up on the table as hewatched Alex’s face.Alex took a shuddering breath.“Ericdisobeyed all the instructions.He boundme, gagged me and then did what hewanted.Not what I wanted.He—”He closed his eyes and Sage satforward, seeing the pain on Alex’s face.Sage’s instinct was to reach forward andpull Alex to him but it was still far tooearly to do that.He still didn’t trust Alexnot to hurt him again.“He hurt me badly that night.” Alex’svoice was flat.“He went berserk withhis own selfish needs.He thought I’dbetrayed our relationship.He just didn’tstop.It was like Rudy all over again.”His voice was husky.Sage winced atthat image and at the pain in Alex’svoice.But still he didn’t move.Hecouldn’t.If he did, he would never letAlex go.And he wasn’t yet sure that waswhat Alex wanted.“I was tied up and gagged and Icouldn’t do anything.Then”—his voicefaltered but he looked at Sage defiantly—“Then Eric raped me.I know youmight not think of it that way given whatI did with him before but—”Sage moved his feet off the deskviolently and leaned forward, his faceblack.“Alex, no matter what you didbefore, if you didn’t want sex, that’s stillrape
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