[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
.She folded her arms across her knees and gazed at the fire.Altan’s touch was pleasant, but his is not the touch I long for.Her eyes suddenly blurred with tears and she placed her head on her arms.Her heart contracted with remembered pain and guilt.The touch she longed for, she knew, she ought never have experienced…and would never experience again.I miss you so much, Jashemi.And it’s all my fault.If I had been stronger, better able to resist; if everything had unfolded as it was meant to, you would be here with me now.I would give anything to have you here with me, to see your face, hear your laugh…but you are gone from me forever and I have no one but myself to blame.Altan still slept and Mylikki held him, her face pressed to his.Her pretty blue eyes were closed and she was singing softly to the unconscious huskaa.It was a poignant image, a private one, and suddenly Kevla wanted to be alone.She rose and stalked off.The Dragon said nothing, but let her go.Kevla slogged through the snow, its impersonal resistance to her passage making her angrier and more frustrated and at last she stumbled and fell into the soft white blanket.She wept then, realizing how she had taken her feelings and placed them in a little corner because they were inconvenient.Not conducive to learning about Lamal, or finding the Stone Dancer.But the innocent press of Altan’s body against hers had reminded her skin that it had once been caressed by a man she had adored; that her body had once joined in passionate lovemaking with one who knew her better than she knew herself.She wept for him, for herself, for the life she had left behind, for everything she had lost, and when she was done pouring her grief into the snow, she felt a little better.This wave of anguish had come and gone.But she knew an endless river of agony lurked, ready for the next time she was distracted from the task at hand; ready to bite like a sand-snake and pump its venom of shame and guilt into her soul.She washed her face with a handful of snow, feeling no stinging bite from its coldness, and took a deep, shuddering breath.There was something she had wanted to do for some time now, and finally, she gave herself permission.Kevla gathered a few fallen branches.“Burn,” she said.When the fire was crackling cheerfully, she swallowed hard.In a voice that trembled, she said, “Show me Tahmu.”Immediately, the face of her father, the khashim of the Clan of Four Waters, appeared in the flame.He jerked back, no doubt startled at the apparition, then smiled in recognition.“Kevla!”She smiled back, tremulously.“Hello, Father.” The term felt so strange in her mouth still.“It is so good to see you, my daughter.” There was an awkward pause.“Are you well?”Kevla nodded.“Well enough.How are you? And Sahlik, and Meli?”“We are all very well.We were very busy after you left, though.”“What’s happening? Tell me.” She leaned forward, knowing that all she needed to do to physically be with him was step into the fire, too afraid that if she did so she would not have the strength of will to return.Though she had once been treated badly there, Arukan was and always would be her home.“Most of the Clans agreed to form a council.We are trying to arrange when to meet and determine how much control it should have.” He smiled again, somewhat wistfully.“I wish you were here to share your wisdom.We still do not agree on everything, and it is much easier to obey the Great Dragon when he is present to make his wishes known.”The lump in her throat made it hard to speak.“I am glad to hear that you are making progress, however slow it might be.How are the kulis?”“It is a sweet thing, my daughter.You would be moved to see how welcomed they have been,” he said.“It was as if we as a people were waiting for this for years.”You were, Kevla thought.So much was waiting to be changed.She wiped at her face.“We speak of you often.Have you found what you sought?”“Not yet.This is such a strange land, Father.There are wonders and beauty and darkness here.I cannot even begin to speak of it.”“I hope one day your travels bring you home,” her father said softly, his dark eyes sad and yet hopeful.“We—we miss you.”“I miss you too,” she said, and found to her surprise that it was true.Here in this alien land, she longed for the familiar—the smell and bustle of the kitchens, Sahlik’s brusque kindness….Her eyes filled with tears.“Perhaps one day I will return,” she said.“Give my love to Meli.”“I will.I once would have said, ‘Dragon go with you,’ but in your case, he did.”The comment made Kevla laugh a little.She wiped again at her wet eyes.She still did not truly regard Tahmu-kha-Rakyn as her father; she wondered if she ever would, even though she had taken his name.In a way, she fiercely envied Meli, her little sister.Meli’s first ten years had been difficult beyond Kevla’s imagining, but now the child was in a home where she was welcomed and honored; where their father was free to express his love for her.There was so much Kevla yearned for that could never be hers.Kevla wondered how things would have been different had Meli been permitted to spend her first years safely in the House of Four Waters, not only for the girl’s sake, but for her mother’s.Yeshi had been devastated when Meli was taken from her.Would Yeshi have become such a bitter, murderous woman if she had been able to keep her daughter? Somehow, Kevla didn’t think so.Before that awful incident, Yeshi had been vain and shallow, but not evil.Not then.“I need to go,” she said thickly.“Will we hear from you again?” Tahmu asked.“I don’t know.I’ll try to stay in contact.Goodbye, Father.”“Goodbye, Kevla.I am so very proud of you.”With a wave of her hand, Kevla extinguished the little fire.She sat and stared at the black, burned wood for a long time
[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]