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.”Tess wondered what would happen if she vomited on the table.Would she scar Devin for life?“I’ll be right back,” she told him.“Hold that thought.” She went into the kitchen, filled a glass with water, took a few gulps and tried to reason with herself.Devin was adopted; it made perfect sense that he’d feel this way.It wasn’t personal; it wasn’t about her.She went back to the table with her water, hopefully hiding her discomfort a little better.She sat next to him.“Great topic! Now think of three main reasons why you think this should happen.Good, strong reasons.”She stared out the big windows while Devin tapped his pencil for what felt like forever.It seemed as though he might be stuck.“How about you say them out loud first,” Tess suggested.“It helps you figure out if they sound forceful enough.” She didn’t want to hear them, but she’d promised Devin she’d help him.And from the incredulous look she’d seen on Slaid’s face, it seemed as though his son didn’t ask for help that often.“Number one.Don’t laugh.” Devin looked at her uncertainly.“I won’t.” Cry maybe, run out of the room screaming, but she could definitely promise no laughter.“Kids would feel happier and more confident knowing all their parents.” He looked at Tess as if he expected her to argue, but she just said, “Okay, go on.”“Number two.Kids can understand more complicated stuff than their parents think they can.Like they can understand that someone has problems and can’t be their parent, or that someone who adopts them is their real parent.”“And number three?” Tess asked softly.“If kids know their birth parents and can understand them, they’d be less likely to wonder why their parents gave them up, like if they did something wrong that made their parents not want to be their parents anymore.”Tess took deep breaths and sipped her water.This isn’t about you, she reminded herself.But it was hard not to imagine Adam having the same questions about her.She looked up, and Devin was watching her cautiously, waiting to hear what she thought of his essay idea.“I hope you know that you didn’t do anything wrong.With your mom or your birth mother,” she finally offered quietly.He flushed.“My dad tells me that all the time.And it’s as if I know it in my brain but I don’t totally know it.And then when my mom left, well, I guess I just felt like it had to be me, if it was happening a second time.”Tess was quiet for a minute.Feeling honored that he’d chosen to talk to her about something so personal, and feeling heartbroken, as well.Did her son secretly wonder if he’d been placed for adoption because he was flawed? He’d been such a perfect baby.It was Tess, sixteen, alone and terrified, who’d been flawed.“Those are strong reasons.Great work.Now write down each reason on your paper and put a few lines underneath it.On those blank lines, list facts to support your arguments.For example, in what ways, exactly, would knowing their birth parents make kids more confident?”“That’s easy,” said Devin.“If they don’t know them, it makes them sad, and then they worry about it instead of thinking about normal kid stuff.”“Write that down and try to think of a couple more,” Tess instructed, digging her nails into her clenched hands under the table.A panicky feeling was forming in her chest, fluttering there.Had Adam had a hard time thinking about “normal kid stuff” because of her?* * *TESS LOOKED AT DEVIN, his pencil scratching across the page, his tongue caught in the corner of his mouth as he concentrated.And it occurred to her that she’d made a terrible mistake coming here today.She was selfish.That was what it came down to.She’d enjoyed bonding Devin, feeling as if they had this special relationship.She’d liked playing in the snow and pretending to be a family.But that was all she was doing: pretending.She’d go back to her life in San Francisco.And Devin would still be here, wondering why she’d left.And then she’d just be one more woman he’d cared about who’d let him down.It was hard to breathe.Hard to move, but she had to get away.“Devin, I think you’ve got this.Will you be okay? I think I need to get home.”“Yeah, I think I’m okay.Are you sure you can’t stay?”“I need to get ready for the work tomorrow, and you have to finish this and get ready for school.But thanks for a great weekend.I loved it.”“See you later, Tess.”“Yeah.” A lump grew in the back of her throat and she tried to swallow it down as she went for her coat.Slaid caught up with her just as she got to her car.“Tess, hang on, what happened?”“Oh, there you are.” She tried to sound casual.“I couldn’t find you and I need to get home.”“I thought you were staying for dinner
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